This Day in History: Throughout the Year 2033...

Here's an oldie I did a few years ago for The Door...

Originally published in the March/April 2006 (Issue #204) of The Wittenburg Door(http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/2033.html)

Twentieth anniversary of the birth of the first cloned apocalypse horse.

Oprah Winfrey, founder of the cultic religion, The Church of Oprah, dies; autopsy reveals she was really a white man.

U2's reunion concert for victims of Galactic war raises 10 trillion euros for orphan aliens.

Value of dollar purportedly inflated; 9 trillion dollars equals 1 euro.

Words are replaced by images. Expert linguist, Rick Warren, announces that God translated to image equals[?].

The last Bible is printed, which brings an end to book publication.

A mysterious illness sweeping the Third World provokes a worldwide call for help. Christians respond by raising $80 trillion to repurpose and distribute milllions of leftover DVD copies of the Jesus film.

Aliens on Jupiter declare Scientology the planet's national religion. An aging Tom Cruise decides to move to Jupiter with his child Ampersand; arrives just after the first Christian missionaries, who have infected the aliens with the common cold, and killed off the entire population. Tom Cruise is left stranded with no food, water or toothpaste.

Tenth anniversary of the day all of godly Christians mysteriously disappeared.

Tim LaHaye named the most influential person found in the Bible.

Goth rocker Marilyn Manson ends years of speculation, when he announces on his deathbed that he had, indeed, been a Christian all along, and that all the angel of death stuff had really been a failed evangelical attempt at reaching out to devil worshipers.

Cardinal Mel Gibson admits that spending all the money he made on The Passion of the Christ to remake Ben Hur in Latin with Chinese subtitles probably wasn't such a good idea after all.

Cardinal Mel Gibson becomes the first actor to become pope (not counting the 2016 election when everyone nominated Bill Cosby as a gag), and is immediately criticized for saying he might be wrong about something. Gibson chooses the holy name, Pope Pedro II.

After watching the live action Smurf movie, Pope Pedro II orders that the first order of holy business will be a holy war on the Smurf people. Vatican officials announce in a reported story that there will no longer be movie night for the new pope.

Because of a translation error in the New Deconstructed Living Bible, many pastors replaced communion bread with cheese.

The long-running TV show The Simpsons named by ChristianityTM (a parent of the Wal-Mart Corporation of China) as the greatest Christian show of the century. Fox announces it has renewed its contract with the show for nine more seasons.

R.I.P.

Harry Guetzlaff died this past Sunday after a long battle with cancer. Chances are you don't know him.

Guetzlaff was the managing editor of the Wittenburg Door Magazine. While the rest of the world nitpicks over whether or not a verse in the Bible said "the" or "thou" the Door staff does the best they can to find the lighter side of Christian religiousity, and make a few people laugh in the process.

There's a fitting tribute to the man on the Door's website, and I encourage you to check it out if you have the chance.

New Stuff On the Door Magazine

There's a new humor article on The Door that I wrote (no my name is not really Scott Douglas...Douglas is just my middle name and it's easier to pronounce).

From: http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/hardcore-baptist-pick-lines
Hardcore Baptist Pick-up Lines
Baby, you’re like a burning bush. I feel like Moses, all I want is a glimpse of the Promised Land.

You look like the whore of Babylon—and I mean that in a good way.

I would walk through the valley of the shadow of death if I thought my rod or staff could comfort you.

You look like Ruth from the Bible. She was a Christian—at least she would have been if she was born a few hundred years later. Are you a Christian? Because I only court Christians, and I’m very interested in courting you if your father says it’s okay.

Everything you say is moving my heart and I don’t think it’s just because you’re speaking in tongues. Is there an ancient language called Babe?

I used to believe only faith could make a sick person well until I saw you, because, baby, you just healed something deep inside me that I'd never let Benny Hinn touch.

Baby, the rapture's coming soon-let’s hold each other tight before the non-Christians wage war and kill us all.

I’m sure glad your mama was pro-life.

Let’s go back to my place—I've got the complete VeggieTales.

Bathsheba was naked before David, and that worked out in a totally Biblical way. I'm sure you'll be way more awesome than she was.

Hey, babe, if you were the mission, then I'd be a missionary.