Steve Jobs: The Lost Interview

Back in the day, I used to write faux parody interviews for The Door Magazine. One of the interviews that made it to the editorial board, but was ultimately passed for reason I don't remember, was with Steve Jobs. After the iPad hype, I decided to dig up the interview; you can read it in it's entirety here.

What's a Disturbed Christian(s)

Partly to prove that Christian writing doesn't have to be preachy, and partly because I just think there should be more of it out there then there is, I have created a new blog with the help of a few others. This basically replaces my other blog ChristianHumorist, which is not very active anymore...unlike that blog, this blog is all true, and the contributions come from more then one person. So what is it...

DisturbedChristians was created as a place to tell stories about ways that religion has wronged people; more importantly it is a place for sarcasm, humor, and anecdotal true accounts of when faith and culture collide. And redemption? Yeah, we guess we’ll have to drag our feet and include a bit of that too—we are Christians after all—but we promise it won’t be preachy or anything like that, because nothing makes a blog blow more than people telling you that you can go to heaven.

This week, we have blogs scheduled to be about posted why you might want to consider some act of great sin if you really want to fit into church, how the church prayer chain closely resembles an episode of Gossip Girl, and how hearing about the end of the world might just scare the grace of God right out of you. We have much more to say in the weeks to come—stories about how the heck anyone found love and grace in a movie as painfully disturbing as The Passion of the Christ, about camps where people where up to no good, and, the awkwardly naughty phrase “Christian sex”—if thought your sex life had no passion, you haven’t heard anything yet!

So, please, come check us out; we’ll do our best not to disappoint you. If you have your own story to tell, we want to hear from you! We can’t pay you anything, but if you believe you can buy your way into heaven, then this might just be your ticket!

Interview with a Christian Porn Star

A few years back I did the below interview. It was published at Opium Magazine's website (opiummagazine.com); over the years Opium has gone through a lot of changes, and their archives don't date back very far anymore. I think it's a funny bit, and I hate to see it vanish entirely, so I'm posting it here...enjoy:

Editor's Note: the Christian porn star in question has asked to remain nameless, and thus, does.

Douglas: I'm confused at the term. To say you're a "Christian Porn Star"-isn't that a bit of an oxymoron? Christian Porn star.

Christian Porn Star (CP): There are Christian rock stars, Christian actors, and Christian athletes. Why should being a Christian porn star be any different?

Douglas: Well the very nature of your profession is--well, not very Christian.

CP: (nodding) I've thought about that quite a bit in the past.

Douglas: And?

CP: Well, the films my production company makes aren't targeted towards Christians. They're targeted to men who have, by and large, not thought much of religion. I think there needs to be a Christian in the industry helping to promote the name of Christ.

Douglas: And how exactly do you go about doing this?

CP: Well the movies I do are what industry experts call "Art House Porno."

Douglas: Art house porno?

CP: (nodding) It's an experimental form of pornography. What we do in the films is really push the boundaries of what porno is. They're films that combine sex with morals.

Douglas: Sex and morals?

CP: Right.

Douglas: So are you trying to say that godless sex is wrong in your films?

CP: By all means, no.

Douglas: Then what are you trying to do?

CP: The films are moral tales of sorts. They have themes like 'don't steal' or 'don't do drugs' or 'don't lie.' Very moral things. But to get the men to come see the moral message, we throw in all kinds of sex--raunchier and more experimental then what you would see in most porn. Like we're doing one right now about the poet Jane West. It's about West and her desire to be a female poet at any cost.

Douglas: Was West a sex addict, then?

CP: In this movie she is. It's just your typical pornographic period piece.

Douglas: Interesting. But, back to the question at hand--you don't see any of this as disregarding one immoral act as a way of condemning another one?

CP: Not at all.

Douglas: And where does Christ come in?

CP: Christ?

Douglas: Christ. You are a Christian porn star, after all. Aren't you supposed to be promoting Christ?

CP: We live in a godless world. I believe people need to see that they are doing immoral acts before they are able to see why they need Jesus Christ.

Douglas: And what about you? What about the acts you perform in the movies? Isn't having sex with multiple partners, and sometimes men, a little immoral?

CP: It's done in the name of art.

Douglas: And this makes it right?

CP: If I got pleasure out of having sex with several women at the same time, then I would say it was wrong. But I don't. I merely do it to promote morals.

Douglas: But the audience doesn't know your acting. They see a man on screen whose having sex with several women. Aren't you afraid they'll walk away believing that this kind of thing in society is okay?

CP: They're just movies. If they can't see the difference between fiction and reality, then they have other problems.

Douglas: Like addiction to porn, low self-esteem, inability to commit they're love to one person?

CP: Exactly.

Douglas: And you don't feel like you contribute to they're feelings and addictions?

CP: Absolutely not. I'm just here to entertain.

Douglas: Fair enough. Then onto other questions. Why don't you want your name to be identified?

CP: If people knew I was a Christian and a porn star, then they wouldn't see my movies.

Douglas: Doesn't the gospel say you should not be ashamed to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ?

CP: I'm not ashamed.

Douglas: You just don't want people to know you're a Christian.

CP: Exactly. Maybe one day I'll write a tell--all autobiography of my life, but not until I feel my calling is finished.

Douglas: Speaking of autobiographies, can you tell me your testimony, how you came to Christ.

CP: That's a really great story. We were filming a love scene in a church, and I overheard the pastor telling the director all about Jesus. The director blew him off, but I wanted to hear more. So after the love scene was over, I found the pastor and asked to hear more. He told me how Jesus died for my sins and that accepting him would let me have a personal, one on one, relationship with God.

Douglas: Did the minister tell you, after you accepted Christ, that you needed to stop living your current life and start living for Christ?

CP: He's the one who encouraged me to be a Christian porn star.

Douglas: What kind of minister was this?

CP: Methodist.

Douglas: I see. So how did your life change after you accepted Christ? Is this when you started doing the moral porno?

CP: My life didn't change. I was already doing moral porno. Ever since I entered the industry, I felt a very passionate need to change the system and put in moral films.

Douglas: So nothing changed?

CP: Well I was a Christian porn star after that. I had only been a porn star before.

Douglas: Then what would you say the difference is between a Christian porn star and a regular porn star?

CP: I'm asked that a lot, although I'm not sure why. It's pretty obvious. A Christian porn star believes in Christ. A regular porn star does not.

Douglas: But they're attitudes and lifestyles are the same?

CP: In many cases, yes.

Douglas: Then why would you tell someone they need to be a Christian if everything can be identical when you believe in nothing?

CP: On Earth, they're really is no point in being a Christian. It's in heaven where not being a Christian can be tricky.

Douglas: So one day you'll die and meet God. What do you think he'll say about your life?

CP: Well, seeing is how I haven't did anything to make me ungodly, I think he'll be well pleased.

Douglas: You have no concerns that he won't see you doing porno as ungodly.

CP: No I don't--not compared to what other people have did.

Douglas: And what about the rest of your life. Your life outside the industry. Do you go to church? Read the Bible? Pray?

CP: Some days I'm more spiritual then others, but yeah I try and do all of those things.

Douglas: Does anyone in your church know?

CP: No one. I think people would judge me if they knew.

Douglas: Even though you don't think your job is wrong?

CP: Look at you. You seem to have a bias towards me.

Christians Are Slobs...and it May Be Biblical

Not to long ago, Thomas Kimble, a co-worker and self proclaimed Baptist invited me to his home for lunch. I had never been there before, but he was always describing it along with all the improvements he had did or was planning on doing to it, and shared boastful pictures of how great it looked now that he fixed it up. The home seemed normal from the outside, when I came to lunch that day—much as it had looked in the pictures he had shown me.. It looked well kept.

The roof, windows and paint all seemed to be new; the lawn and flowerbed were bright and inviting. Then I went inside. I was appalled at the mere sight of the inside from the moment that Thomas cheerfully opened the door and welcomed me to his home with a firm handshake. I realized that sometimes people run short on time and don’t have time to clean—that’s all perfectly understandable—but Thomas’s house was…uncalled for. The carpet, which had to have been installed sometime before Nixon was elected into office, was stained in several places; there was a hole in one of the walls big enough to stick my head into; the dinning room table was covered with dirty dishes, and the couch was missing a cushion. And worse was the smell of mildew that hit you like a gush of wind when you entered the house.

Then Thomas spoke. I expected him to say something along the lines of, “You know how I told you I had no kids? I lied. I actually have fourteen of them—fifteen if you count the ape that frequently visits the place.” But instead he said, completely unashamed of his lifestyle, “Welcome to my humble home.”

I didn’t speak for several seconds, being still stunned by the overt crudeness of the home. I felt embarrassed for him. Had I known that this was the way he lived, I would have offered we eat at a restaurant. Then I remembered that he had offered this, and Thomas insisted that we go to this place to eat—he was proud of it for reason only insanity can explain. Finally I said, “This is…this is quite some home you have, Thomas.” He smiled widely, “It’s not much, but it gives us shelter.” He looked at the kitchen and smiled, “Well how about some lunch?”

I could hardly imagine where we might eat, but did my best to hide my astonishment. “I’m starved.”

Thomas’s lunch could have passed for something straight out of a gourmet restaurant. He said it had taken him all morning to make, and I believed him. The food on the plate looked like Thomas believed that serving food was a form of artwork. There was chicken glazed in a homemade orange marmalade sauce, a white custard, and assorted fruits; each were proportionally organized on the plate. I was surprised that someone would spend so much time on cooking and so little time keeping the house up. After seeing the house, I half expected to have barbeque rats for lunch.

Thomas led me outside after lunch to his patio, which seemed a haven for bird crap. The entire patio seemed to be a collection of unfinished projects: a half-finished rock pathway that stopped in the middle of dirt, weeds that went past my ankles, a half built firepit, a un-built swing set, a four foot hole in the middle of the yard, and two tree stumps with poles sticking out. It was not a pretty sight, but at least the mildew smell was gone.

As we ate, I heard the front door open and close and Thomas said in a tone that I think was supposed to impress me, “That must be the housecleaner?”

“The housecleaner?” I tried not to sound too surprised. I wanted to laugh and mockingly say, “My goodness, Thomas—what on Earth does the woman clean?”

“My wife just doesn’t have time to do it herself. We have a little deal, she can have a housecleaner once a week if I can have a gardener to mow the lawn.”

I watched the housecleaner curiously, trying to understand what her job tasks were. I watched as she dusted, moved the plates from the table to the sink, vacuumed, and wash the windows. I wondered if she knew it would take days to make a single dent in the house. I wanted badly for Thomas to say something about the disarray of the house. Something to say he at least acknowledged it and felt some remorse that he had let it get this out of hand. Instead he did the complete opposite. He bragged about it. “It’s funny,” Thomas explained, “I used to be a complete neat freak until I became a Baptist.”

“Is that so?” He nodded.

“After I became a member, a friend of mine—another Baptist—told me at a little get together we had at our house that him and his wife had been in a Bible study and someone read off a verse that proved Christians didn’t have to clean.”

“Where does it say it?”

“I don’t know, but a few weeks later my pastor quoted it as well. I think he most have been quoting from Jesus.”

“And it’s in the Bible?”

“Honest to God it is—I’m sure it must be a gospel.”

“Really.” I wasn’t a Bible scholar, but I thought my four years studying comparative religion had prepared me for at least some of the insanity that religion tends to throw out. This was complete news to me. I suppose I didn’t really care if it was Biblical or not. If he said it was, then it must be. It sounded like it could be, and he probably knew more about the stuff then me, so I left it at that.

Mom has always been a neat freak. If company was coming over, then not only did the living room and kitchen have to be cleared, but also the bedrooms, the garage, and the attic. There would always be the evil glance if the bed wasn’t made five minutes before the company was slated to arrive.

I was always a little disappoint that the company didn’t inspect the bedrooms and garage or even the attic. All the hard work for nothing.

Mom is a Christian, and I always imagined that part of the reason the house was always so neat was because this is what a good Christian wife was supposed to do. Growing up most of my friends were not Christian and I always wrongly assumed had I had a Christian friend their house would be neat, and had I ventured into the attic it would be neat also. I was wrong—dead wrong. I became ever more curious about the interior design of Christian homes when I left Thomas’s house.

I began making a point of making conversation with Christians, and making excuses to visit their homes. “You have a patio room? I’ve been considering putting one in my home for quite sometime—I don’t suppose you’d let me take a peak?” “You had a new kitchen countertop put in? I don’t suppose you’d let me come over and see it’s fine craftsmanship?” “You had your bathroom redone? I just have to see it—how’s Thursday at 3:00 sound?”

Some Christians I knew had Bible studies at their house, and I began attending just to get a look inside. There was Ron Heller, the Methodist, whose home was surprisingly well kept, but at closer look had more dust than a house in the Sahara that had just had a sandstorm come in the front door and leave the back. His wife, Sue, walked around the house with watery eyes and a stuffed up nose complaining about how her “allergies had been so bad lately.” The thought of the collected dust as a reason for this didn’t seem to cross her mind. There was Linda and Larry Henderson, the Greek Orthodox couple, who decorated every square inch of their walls with file cabinets, bookcases, chairs and plants. I was pretty certain that their walls were painted a pastel color, but this fact could not be verified, as their walls could only be seen in one or two places. There was Christine Tyler, who went to a non-denominational church twice a week, who seemed confused about colors. Two of the walls in the living room were different colors; the bathroom wall was bright purple, and the bedroom walls had had all the paint scraped off because she was “planning to paint it sometime next year.” Her carpet was no better; it was stained all over and in one place it had actually been lifted up and removed because, “I was thinking of putting in a new carpet, but then changed my mind.” And of course there was the Baptist, Thomas Kimble.

Baptist, I have learned, are the most untidy of them all. The common theme in most of these homes was the “unfinished project”—the spa in the bathroom that had been put in, but not had the plumbing installed to it; the whole in the ground that was dug out for a pond that had never been put in; the flowerbed with no flowers. The more homes I visited, the more I started to see trends—not just in Christian homes. It was more specific than that. Different denominations had different degrees of messiness. I got to the point were I could tell what denomination a person was by the mere disarray of their homes. Lutheran’s were pretty neat, but decorated their houses oddly. Episcopalians have lots of clutter; there homes tend to have papers spread out in very odd places (on top of fish tanks, in dog bowls, pretty much everywhere); they also had boxes, shelves, books, magazine, accompanying every spare place on the wall. It seemed the more evangelical a person was, the more messy their house became.

What has kept mom neat even though she remains Christian? I’ve wondered that quite a bit lately, and have come to only one conclusion: no one ever told mom she was allowed to be messy—it is Biblical. She’s one of those rare breeds that never quite fit in. She’s been to messy Christian homes in the past, but I don’t believe she ever put two and two together.

This Day in History: Throughout the Year 2033...

Here's an oldie I did a few years ago for The Door...

Originally published in the March/April 2006 (Issue #204) of The Wittenburg Door(http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/2033.html)

Twentieth anniversary of the birth of the first cloned apocalypse horse.

Oprah Winfrey, founder of the cultic religion, The Church of Oprah, dies; autopsy reveals she was really a white man.

U2's reunion concert for victims of Galactic war raises 10 trillion euros for orphan aliens.

Value of dollar purportedly inflated; 9 trillion dollars equals 1 euro.

Words are replaced by images. Expert linguist, Rick Warren, announces that God translated to image equals[?].

The last Bible is printed, which brings an end to book publication.

A mysterious illness sweeping the Third World provokes a worldwide call for help. Christians respond by raising $80 trillion to repurpose and distribute milllions of leftover DVD copies of the Jesus film.

Aliens on Jupiter declare Scientology the planet's national religion. An aging Tom Cruise decides to move to Jupiter with his child Ampersand; arrives just after the first Christian missionaries, who have infected the aliens with the common cold, and killed off the entire population. Tom Cruise is left stranded with no food, water or toothpaste.

Tenth anniversary of the day all of godly Christians mysteriously disappeared.

Tim LaHaye named the most influential person found in the Bible.

Goth rocker Marilyn Manson ends years of speculation, when he announces on his deathbed that he had, indeed, been a Christian all along, and that all the angel of death stuff had really been a failed evangelical attempt at reaching out to devil worshipers.

Cardinal Mel Gibson admits that spending all the money he made on The Passion of the Christ to remake Ben Hur in Latin with Chinese subtitles probably wasn't such a good idea after all.

Cardinal Mel Gibson becomes the first actor to become pope (not counting the 2016 election when everyone nominated Bill Cosby as a gag), and is immediately criticized for saying he might be wrong about something. Gibson chooses the holy name, Pope Pedro II.

After watching the live action Smurf movie, Pope Pedro II orders that the first order of holy business will be a holy war on the Smurf people. Vatican officials announce in a reported story that there will no longer be movie night for the new pope.

Because of a translation error in the New Deconstructed Living Bible, many pastors replaced communion bread with cheese.

The long-running TV show The Simpsons named by ChristianityTM (a parent of the Wal-Mart Corporation of China) as the greatest Christian show of the century. Fox announces it has renewed its contract with the show for nine more seasons.

"Love Jesus and love to ride hard"

That subject line is an actual quote from the Christian (?) group Set Free Soldiers. Roland (from the book) tells me the quote is quite funny if you think about it in the dirty way. Read the quote for yourself in the LA Times. This story is particularly interesting to me for two reasons:

1. It made me late for work (it happened about a mile from the branch library I work at) because the street was completely blocked off.

2. This is the church my grandparents famously started going to in the nineties after they had a renewed interest in faith. The church was in a different part of the city then (actually, today I don't think they actually have a church...I think they just own four houses, and they have studies out of them; many of their members live in the houses if I understand right, and it's kind of like their compound), and I remember them taking me a few times; the street would always be full of more motorcycles then I had ever seen in my entire; it was in a large warehouse, and it reminded me of the Steve Martin movie Leap of Faith--people jumping everywhere, a sweaty pastor, a gospel choir, and, of course, Bikers who looked like they probably had killed people in their younger days.

My grandparents left the church for a smaller, quieter, church when a scandal of a different kind broke out (I don't remember the details). FYI, the church has had many scandals, and the guy in charge of the entire movement was once in prison for molesting children...I remember my grandparents telling me about the prison part, but not the molesting kids part. Here's another fun, "alleged," fact...women had to go to the leader to ask permission to use birth control. This site and this site tell you a bit more about some of the past scandals.

This scandal is actually quite interesting...I recommend you read the whole story at the link above; it will have you saying "The Hell's Angels are still around?" Followed by "What kind of church is this? They have pictures of fist fights on their website?" It sounds like really the police had been looking for a reason to arrest them for years, and they finally got their chance because one or two members messed up big; once they got into house they found a bunch of weapons (I'm assuming unlicensed) and 11 arrest were made.

You can also check out the groups MySpace page and watch one of their videos, which has clips of, what appears to be, training people how to street fight! They actually show a guy throwing punches (I don't know if they're punches for Jesus or what the deal is?). The video also has a bunch of Anaheim cops...I'm not sure if they are pro cops or against cops, but I'm guessing against.

Hopefully it all works out in the end; whatever that means...

New Stuff On the Door Magazine

There's a new humor article on The Door that I wrote (no my name is not really Scott Douglas...Douglas is just my middle name and it's easier to pronounce).

From: http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/hardcore-baptist-pick-lines
Hardcore Baptist Pick-up Lines
Baby, you’re like a burning bush. I feel like Moses, all I want is a glimpse of the Promised Land.

You look like the whore of Babylon—and I mean that in a good way.

I would walk through the valley of the shadow of death if I thought my rod or staff could comfort you.

You look like Ruth from the Bible. She was a Christian—at least she would have been if she was born a few hundred years later. Are you a Christian? Because I only court Christians, and I’m very interested in courting you if your father says it’s okay.

Everything you say is moving my heart and I don’t think it’s just because you’re speaking in tongues. Is there an ancient language called Babe?

I used to believe only faith could make a sick person well until I saw you, because, baby, you just healed something deep inside me that I'd never let Benny Hinn touch.

Baby, the rapture's coming soon-let’s hold each other tight before the non-Christians wage war and kill us all.

I’m sure glad your mama was pro-life.

Let’s go back to my place—I've got the complete VeggieTales.

Bathsheba was naked before David, and that worked out in a totally Biblical way. I'm sure you'll be way more awesome than she was.

Hey, babe, if you were the mission, then I'd be a missionary.